Here are some thoughts I have on being a Mom:
Having highly intellectual songs running through your head with wonderful lyrics like "Now that we're men, we have facial hair; now that we're men, we change our underwear." (From the SpongeBob Movie)
Teaching children not to pick their noses even though they counter with brilliant statements such as, "I like to eat my boogers. They're chewy."
Dealing with pouts and tears over the fact that your daughter is wearing a black velvet dress to middle school, even though she waited until half an hour before school starts to announce that today was picture day and that she had to wear solid colors and there is nothing else suitable that's clean.
While trying to seriously answer the question, "What was the first thing ever invented?" and coming up with things like the hammer and chisel, your child asks, "What about pants?"
Being so utterly silly that even the grumpiest of kids has to smile.
Cleaning up bodily discharges of all kinds, usually at the most inconvenient moment and/or place.
Identifying with Sid the Sloth from the movie Ice Age when he says, "How come I get to be the poop-checker?"
Stifling the urge to flatten the kid who teased/tormented/hit your child.
Having to do behavior modification charts so they will flush the toilet.
Waiting for children to learn to talk enough for them to tell you what's wrong so you can stop calling them things like "Sir Screamsalot, Earl of Grumpypants."
Teaching them that the floor next to the hamper is not the proper place to leave clothes, and the living room floor is not where we leave coats.
Getting hugs around the knees.
Staying up all night with a sick kid and taking them to the doctor the next day, only to be told, "It's a virus, just give them an over-the-counter medicine [which you are already giving the kid]."
Having the unpaid and unappreciated job of referee, minus the striped shirt and the whistle.
Helping them with their homework, and using all of your powers of persuasion and authority to get them to do it in the first place.
Teaching kids not to wipe their noses on sleeves, particularly yours.
Telling them that hamsters make noise at night and that is part of the price of having one for a pet, and that no, I will not put the cage in the kitchen.
Sounding like a gameshow host getting the kids out of bed in the morning--somewhere in between "The Price is Right" and "Let's Make a Deal."
Canceling cable television altogether after realizing you're paying $100 a month to tell your kids five times a day that they can't watch that.
Letting your kids "help" you even though you know you'll have to do it again after they're done.
Laughing until you cry and crying until you laugh.
Taking your kid down the street to apologize to the parents of another kid.
Getting excited when a new carpet cleaner comes out that promises to do a better job than what you already have.
After explaining to your child that you don't have any money to buy that particular toy, game or DVD they want, they reply, "You could just write a check."
Developing a reflex that when your child asks you to buy something you say "No" before you even find out what it is they want.
Praying every time they go out the door without you.
Being delighted at the prospect of getting out of the house without the kids, even if it's just grocery shopping. What did we do before those 24-hour supermarkets?
Needing a PDA (personal digital assistant) just to organize your life, and figure out which kid you're taking to what activity tonight, and how you're doing it.
Finding gum in the carpet, trash on the floor next to the garbage can, or an open jar of peanut butter on the counter, that mysteriously appeared on its own because "I didn't do it."
Trying to figure out just how they managed to get toothpaste on the ceiling.
Putting in a new cd-rom drive in your computer every six months because your children find a way to break it.
Trying to give a 2-year-old a "Triaminic Thin Strip" given to you by the pediatrician that promises "Melts in an Instant, No Mess!" Not unpredictably, this involves prying his teeth open, having your finger chomped, then wiping most of the strip off his face, which is now gelatinous blobs.
Putting a kids' show on the television to watch with your three-year-old, only they walk away to play with their toys, and I end up sitting there watching it, and getting the songs stuck in my head. "Wonder pets, wonder pets, we're on our way, to help the baby elephant and save the day, we're not too big and we're not too tough, but when we work together, we've got the right stuff!"
Experiencing unconditional love and falling in love yourself every day.
Here's "The Mom Song" by Anita Renfroe
(turn the volume up and be prepared to laugh until you cry)
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